We got to Memphis late and went straight to bed. We didn't know when our next full night of sleep would be.
We had made plans to have lunch with K before she had to report to the hospital that evening. I was so nervous, but an even greater part of me was dying to meet her, the woman who conceived our child, the woman who was going to make us parents. We got to the restaurant a few minutes early and waited. We've had a lot of experience waiting, but I'm not sure it's gotten any easier. After a bit, K called to tell me she was pulling into the parking lot. We moved into the entryway of the restaurant. I wanted just a few seconds to see her before she saw us. I wanted to take it all in... and to have a moment to pull myself back together after I inevitably got teary-eyed. K is a beautiful woman. She also brought her two sons with her, and they were precious, beautiful children. During lunch we chit chatted. Conversation seemed to flow pretty easily. We played with her precious babies. E was playful, eager to show that big grin of his. B was shy (or scared) at first, but he warmed up quickly once he saw how much fun his little brother was having with us. K seemed at ease, smiling readily and easily, and she seemed to enjoy watching us play with the boys. I was so relieved. Things seemed to be going so well. After lunch we helped K out to her car. Two little ones + a to-go box + 9 months pregnant made getting around a little difficult, and we were happy to help. As we walked out together, I couldn't help but feel like we were a family of some sort, drawn together by these circumstances.
We went back to the hotel and tried to make sure we were prepared for the next week or so. We finished unpacking, bought some groceries, checked the diaper bag, and very thoughtfully chose the baby's going home outfit.
That evening we headed to the hospital for what we figured would be a long, emotional night. We waited in the waiting room as they got K settled in. There were two young black men waiting as well, and I couldn't help but wonder if one of them was E, the baby's father. After a while, they called out K's name in the waiting room. We started to stir and gather our things, but then we saw one of the young men stand up. The nurse caught our eye and motioned for us to wait. After E went back, the nurse told us that K had asked for him first and would call us back when she was ready. In an hour or so, they called us back. We went into the room and greeted K; E was sleeping on the couch. K and the nurse told us that they didn't expect the baby to come til morning. She asked us if we wanted to leave for the night and told us that she could text us if anything changed. We agreed that was probably best.
We went back to the hotel and got a little bit of rest until I got a text around 5:30 AM. K said she was dilated 7cm! It was baby day! I woke Michael up in a frenzy and we rushed to get ready and gather our things. I was worried that if we got there too late we wouldn't get to go into the delivery room. When we got there E was still asleep, but K woke up and greeted us. The nurse came in and told us that K had been progressing quickly, but she would have to slow her contractions. We settled in the room and waited. Throughout the morning, E stayed covered up on the couch, sleeping and playing on his phone. We talked with K, watched Food Network with her, and continued to wait. We could see by the monitors that her contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and the doctor had just come in and said K was 9 cm dilated.
K was just beginning to really feel her contractions when the hospital social worker came in around 11 AM. She introduced herself and asked for each of us to tell her our role. She asked us to step out for a few minutes so she could speak to K and E, then she took us down the hall to speak to us. She explained to us how the process would work once the baby was born, asked us a few questions, and answered any questions we had. She told us that E had asked her if K could still change her mind. We were taken aback, but we didn't panic.As we walked back to the Labor and Delivery room, the nurse told us that K didn't want us to be in the room during delivery. Again, we were shaken, but we didn't panic. We'd been told that plans often change leading up to delivery. When we went back into the room, we started to gather our things. K was mid contraction, but when she realized what we were doing, she looked confused.We told her that the nurse said she wanted us to wait in the waiting room. K said, "Just during delivery. I mean, I figured yall wouldn't want to see that part." We reassured her that we just wanted her to be comfortable and that we didn't mind waiting in the waiting room. It was a long, anxious wait, and doubt was creeping in.
While we were waiting our attorney called and told us the social worker told him K was having some doubts. She hadn't changed her mind, but she was having doubts. Around 1:00 K texted us, "He's here." Our emotions were all over the place. I can't even describe it. Obviously we were thrilled he was finally here; we couldn't wait to see him! We were also terrified and very confused. Yet, somehow, there was still hope. K was still communicating with us, afterall. Shortly after we got K's text the nurse came to speak to us. She explained that when the baby was born he wasn't breathing right away. They took him aside and suctioned him, and he was fine. They'd taken him up to the nursery, and we could go see him by presenting my hospital bracelet to the nurses upstairs.
We were over the moon! This was the moment we'd been waiting for so long! We walked to the nursery window, buzzing with anticipation. We looked at each of the precious babies, trying to guess which was ours. I held my bracelet up to the window, and one of the nurses walked to a bassinet across the room. She checked the baby's bracelet, nodded, and held him up for us to see. He was absolutely beautiful! We just stared in wonder, watching his every move. It was surreal. The nurse continued to check him out, then she came to speak to us. She asked us if we'd like to do the first feeding. We were finally going to get to hold our baby! We went into a room adjacent to the nursery, and she brought us our precious boy. When she put him in my arms, I was flooded with emotions. To be honest, I was pretty much a mess. We each held him and loved him, and the nurse offered to take a picture. Our first family picture. We took turns feeding him, and he ate like a champ! The nurse had brought in his bassinet so we could put him down, but there was absolutely no chance we'd be needing that. We just held him and held him, hoping we'd never have to let him go. We studied his face and every precious expression. He instantly stole our hearts. Michael talked to him about the Seahawks and how he was the 12th man. I loved seeing Michael bond with his son, and I could just envision the years to come. It was a beautiful picture.
We spent about 4 hours with our precious child, filled with awe. Then our attorney called to tell us he was on his way to the hospital to speak with K. He spoke to us briefly when he got there, then he went to see K. When he came back, he told us that she wanted to parent. He went on to explain that this wasn't uncommon right after birth and that he wouldn't be surprised if she changed her mind again. He encouraged us to go back to the hotel to have a good cry, but advised us not to leave town. He planned to go back the next morning when emotions had calmed. So we did. We went to the hotel, We cried. We filled in our family and friends. We prayed. A lot. We were devastated, but still hopeful.
The next morning K texted us that she wanted to talk to us. We spent the morning pouring our emotions into a card. We bought her a bouquet of flowers, and we headed to the hospital. We hoped that by loving on her and reassuring her that we knew she was choosing adoption from a place of love, that she would reconsider.
E was there, and we finally had the opportunity to introduce ourselves to him. The baby was lying on the couch, and K asked if I'd like to hold him. Of course I did. I got to love on him while we made a little small talk. Then the nurse came to take him for a hearing test. I squeezed him and kissed him goodbye, and Michael did the same. Eventually, the bomb dropped and K told us she had decided to parent. We held it together long enough to hug her and tell E goodbye. As soon as we walked out of the room, I felt like I couldn't go another step. The sweet nurses ushered us into the room next door to give us some time. I just didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave our baby. Meanwhile, our attorney went to speak to K as well, and she delivered the same message to him: When the baby was born and he couldn't breathe, she felt like he needed her, so she changed her mind about placing him for adoption. I don't remember most of what the attorney said, but he told us he'd stay in touch. He felt like there was still potential for her to change her mind.
Finally, after many tears and and infinite amount of snot (it wasn't pretty), Michael convinced me that we could (and should) leave the hospital, that we needed to go back to the hotel and grieve with our parents. He was right, but it took everything I had to get up and walk out of those doors.
Being with our parents broke up some of the pain. Even in our deep grief, we knew so much love and so many prayers were with us. I feel so fortunate to have so many beautiful, loving people in our lives.
The next day we left Memphis, going the opposite direction of our sweet baby boy. During the drive we got word from the attorney that the baby was in ICU for breathing difficulties. K was being discharged, but the baby had to stay for monitoring.
As the days went on, we received less information, but I have stayed in touch with K. She named the baby Elijah. He was discharged the Wednesday after he was born, at 4 days old. Now, as I type this, Elijah is one day shy of being 1 month old. I think about him and pray for him and his mama every day. I'm still battling grief, but I know that God is still with us. I know that He is still at work in our lives and in the life of sweet Elijah.
